Search for Serenity

Search for Serenity

Walking softly…as if on grass, freshly cut, early in the morning with a light touch of dew…cool to the feet…tickles the toes…I have been here before..this place…this place of hope.  It is my own dream.  A section of the mind that protects me from the world.  The water is clear blue, and peaceful, the rays from the sun warm my face as I look upward at the sky with only a few puffy white clouds, just enough to entertain my imagination, tickling my fancy with shifting shapes and faces.  Everything is so brightly colored, so magnificently beautiful.  Walking softly….lest I disturb the absolute serenity with my presence just as any drop of water sends a ripple.  My senses are alive, taking in every micro second that exists in this place, breathing deeply, listening intently, feeling the air touch my skin, tasting the clean crisp air, and seeing the deep colors.  I stay as long as this world will let me, with my thoughts of peace and serenity.

You see this place I go, is mine and mine alone.  This world is so full of chaos, it leads to my inner self…leads me to my own mind.  The only place where serenity exists.  It is within us.  The search for serenity is so simple….all it takes is a look inside the soul.

Christine Parmenter 7.29.21

Begins

Here I am again…

Day 1 begins…

I sit here and think…

Why did I have that drink?

Is it what I feel that is not real….

That drives my desire to set myself on fire…

I sit here and think….

Why did I want that drink?

I know that it does no good

Leaves me in a foul mood

Leaves me feeling shame

Nothing but blame

Blame that I am weak

I can’t break this streak

Here I am again…

Day 1 begins..

I shift my focus to the point of locus

Locus of control…for this I know

Habits do not define me

My habits are NOT me

They are fleeting thoughts ….that keep me lost

So now I sit here and don’t think….why did I drink

I clear my mind and peace I find….

I rid my mind of thoughts of any kind

I let go of all I know

Those fleeting thoughts that keep me lost

Need to be center stage or they fade

As they fade away…I take center stage

There is no more desire to set myself on fire

I have no want to have a drink as those thoughts shrink

They fade away and I stay

Here I am again but this time I win

Day Never Again

The little girl standing next to me

The little girl next to me….Is still a part of me

I hold her hand in mine….For all time

The look on her face…I can’t escape

Memories that have gone untold…Emotions now unfold

What was done…

Made me run

Made me hide…Until the pain would subside

The little girl next to me…Is still a part of me

As we walk this path of pain and sorrow

I hope for a better tomorrow

Things can’t be removed

They can be improved

The little girl next to me

Is still a part of me…The look on her face

Is no longer for escape

There is sadness in her eyes…She can’t disguise

For the one causing pain

Has their own pain that remains

The one causing the hurt and shame

Is not the only one to blame

There is a history of hurt and of shame

A past and past remains a part of this name

Forgiveness for the wounds

Forgiveness can’t come too soon

For the little girl next to me is still a part of ME

Christine Parmenter

The Vodka Hound

Circling and waiting….anticipating

My willpower fading

The Vodka Hound follows me around

My mind is fooled by an insidious tool

A tool of an industry…that cares nothing for me

The Vodka Hound follows me around

It is there…it is everywhere…big business without a care

What can I do to be free….can anyone see…It is not me

The Vodka Hound follows me around

It brings me to my knees with a promise of ecstasy

Then fills my head with nothing but dread

The Vodka Hound it follows me around

When did it start….when did it decide to take part

A part of me…I just did not see

The Vodka Hound it follows me around

No more will I be….its energy

I will break free of this enemy

It pretends to be a friend…only to upend

This life I live…..it takes more than I have to give

The Vodka Hound it follows me around

No more will I be its energy….this time I will break free…I pray for me…I will be free from this enemy….

The Vodka Hound that follows me around

Sunset…to reset

As I watch the sun set…my mind wants to forget…

Forget this day…let the memories wash away..

Some can stay…the ones that make your day…

But as the sun is setting…it is your mind forgetting…

Forgetting the ugly …the sad… the pain of the day…

So only the ones that made your day…they remain…

Tomorrow is a sunrise..to remind you…your life is in front of you

It’s a a new day with so much at bay…do you embrace the sun… or run?

Crawl in a hole and live like a mole?

Stay in yesterday…even though the sunset washed it away?

Life is here to be cherished …not taken for granted…

That’s the suns reminder at sunset and sunrise…

Don’t forget to realize the power inside…

The power to be ALIVE

Beauty

As the snowflakes fall gently to the ground…melting without a sound…

My thoughts drift away …for they can no longer stay….

Watching the beauty melt away….

A meaning to be found…we’re all searching for something profound…

Its just snowflakes falling to the ground….melting without a sound…

Christine Parmenter

I got some grim news the other day….funny….I wrote this 10 years ago…so ….my entire face…upper chest and neck…are covered in cancer and pre-cancer cells…skin cancer…I have watched my skin change over the last year, and honestly I knew.

But to hear someone say…you need to do Chemo Cream on your entire face, neck and tops of your hands… was not what I expected.

So… I am pretending it’s a spa treatment…a super chemical peel…yeah cause it will look like I survived a nuclear war for a few weeks…but maybe it will eat all my wrinkles…One can hope.  And one can live if you treat it early.

 

Demon of Apathy

Shhh…there it goes….again…scurrying across the shadows

I can hear the clicking of its claws …it makes me pause….

It moves from shadow to shadow…I see the glow of its eyes….I smell the foul odor of rot

It’s in there….devious…watching the world….looking for opportunity…clinging to your soul…

It lies in wait…it is patient…it is cunning…it is watching its prey …licking its chops…

This demon…this parasite…it is inside…deep inside…all of us…feeding slowly off the scraps of negative emotions it can find in your mind…begging for a bad day when it can feast.

This monster this demon is APATHY….

This demon relishes in your despair…opens its big ugly arms to embrace you when you falter into sadness and loneliness…when you decide that self pity is more important than self love…

And it whispers in your ear..all the things you don’t need to hear…it feeds your self pity…points to your faults….shows you the grass is greener over there…feeds your despair…

Once you give in to the demon…all hope is lost…Apathy has feasted on your dreams…

You must be strong…don’t allow the demon to belong…make it leave your head and replace it with love instead…

All you have to do …is have faith in you

Believe in your worth as a soul on this earth…

 

 

 

Time Goes By

Time goes by and sometimes I wonder why

I wonder why you are gone

Why I have to be strong

Sometimes I understand

Life dealt me this hand

We all have a choice to make

Someones heart can be at stake

What can you do when life is thrown at you?

The moment you decide or the moment you hide

The time you are strong and move on

Or the time your weak and you shrink

Life is full of choices to make

Emotions to fake

Life can be cruel or life can be kind

It all depends on your mind

Time goes by and I wonder why

Life has been cruel ….that’s been the rule

Time goes by and I wonder why…why do I try

Try as I might….I put up a good fight…

That life can be kind I know that in my mind

I wait for the day….the day I can say

Life is going my way

Swept Away

The clear blue water comes closer…..then recedes…leaving a white foam line

Soft sound of a wave crashing in the distance..rushing water
Bright sun on my skin…soaking in bringing me a deep feeling of warmth

Warm sand between my toes, walking slowly

Timid…hesitant

Warm sand becomes cool with the lingering water soaked into the sand
Squishes now between the toes….compacted with the water

The clear blue cool water comes closer and washes over my ankles…then recedes..leaves a line of white foam just above my ankle

Timid…hesitant

The clear blue water calls to me…begs me to join in the fun of rolling waves

The surges of water moving across the beach…the vast expanse…the unknown depths…the power of the waves…

The cool water now reaches my waist…slowly putting my hands into the water
Refreshing and cool….salt water lightly stinging my skin

The waves crash against me and sway my body…back and forth with the surge

No longer timid…No longer hesitant

I give in to the surge of the waves….feel its overwhelming power

There is no stopping the tide…the ocean….

I am now…swept away…belonging to the awesome emotional power of the water

I let it take me where it will….floating on my back…warm sun on my skin…clouds above me give me glimpses of dreams…birds crying out above…cool breeze rushes over me….to and fro…sounds of waves…light taste of salt on my lips…

I float…completely lost..where its taking me…I’m not sure…out to sea or back to shore…either way…I can say…..I won’t know where the ocean goes…if I don’t believe

A peace inside my heart and soul…a feeling of serenity…letting myself be…Swept Away

Christine Parmenter 7/5/19

Skipping Rocks

Here I stand in the sand… 

Rocks in hand

The wind blows gently by…clouds floating up in the sky

Water rushes over the rocks and sand…in search of new land

The water dares me to see….can I make a rock defy gravity?

Instead of hitting the water and sinking…can I make a rock go skipping?

As I look for the perfect spot….to send my perfect rock….

It occurs to me…my life has been…an adventure when….skipping across the top..

The wrong angle or the wrong shape…and sinking was the fate….no dance across the water…just sinking to the bottom…

But there are times..when skipping has been mine…..little hops were done…and great leaps of fun…before splashing to a rest….knowing I had done my best….

Now I see the next spot for me….to try to skip across this dream…

Christine Parmenter 7/5/19